No daughter of mine is going to fail any test!

Sorry for not posting for so long, but it's been a rough month. Stewart was seriously sick with a mystery illness that still remains a mystery to this day. Though, thankfully, he's not feeling so horrible on a daily basis recently. I've been exhausted and stressed out trying to properly take care of a sicky husband and keep myself in proper mental and physical shape to birth a baby.

I'm 40 weeks pregnant, plus 1 day. That means, technically, the baby's full term and could pop out at any second. (Wouldn't it be nice if it were as easy as it sounds?) I had an ultrasound today to measure her bio-physical profile... a routine test for babies at this stage... to make sure all her vitals and the environment she's floating in are all happy and healthy. She passed the test with flying colors and her estimated weight is 6lbs 11oz. I've still got a doctor's appointment tomorrow to review the results and probably schedule and induction for next week, though I hope I'll naturally start labour before then.

On another note, the Fringe show I directed (The Churchill Protocol) has been getting consistently great reviews across the country and will be at the Edmonton Fringe next week. Spread the word!!!

No rest for the wicked pregnant

If I thought the time during the Ottawa Fringe was a blur, the time elapsed since then has been on complete fast forward. Our Fringe house guests left within four days of the festival ending, making the house feel quite empty. They were all absolutely lovely to have around and I miss them loads. It really made me miss the idea of touring as well. While, for some, their biggest preoccupation is making sure their posters get printed on time, I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to feed three people on one salary, driving to numerous DRs appointments (more on that in a second) and finding the energy to clean the house and prep for the start of my new 20-year-long (most probably renewable) contract.

My amazing friends Danielle and Craig hosted our BBQ baby shower, which was fantastic. The food, the people, the presents... it was a good day. The day after the shower, Stewart wasn't feeling well, complaining of dizziness and spontaneous falling down. He wasn't blacking out or anything like that, but it still seemed odd to us. He went to a walk-in clinic on the Monday and the DR said he thought he had a virus. Luckily, he had the following three days off, most of which we spent at my parents. They wanted to treat us because of our 1st/2nd year anniversary (celebrating the city hall wedding... the 2nd/2nd year anniversary is in September, celebrating the major ceremony at Academic Hall). So, for our anniversary, Stewart went golfing with my Dad and I got a pedicure... romantic huh? He played one of the best games he'd ever played and still fell down a couple of times! But by Thursday afternoon, he was feeling worse. And with our family doctor totally booked, I took him to the ER. NINE hours later, I brought him home... unsure of what's wrong. At 2pm the following day, he went back to the hospital for a CT scan. Two hours later, I brought him home... still no clue. At 8am the following day, he went back to the hospital to see a neurologist. One hour later, I brought him home...with no news other than the fact that he's on the rush list for an MRI. The wait time is usually 3 months... he should get his within a month's time. Needless to say I've been pretty worried, though Stewart doesn't seem to be. One good thing to come out of all of this: Stewart and I have rehearsed the drive to Monfort so much I could probably drive myself there while in labour! but I won't.

The Churchill Protocol has received a couple of good reviews in Toronto so far, but with our opening night being so late in the festival, momentum hasn't built yet and the show hasn't been getting the audiences it deserves. So if you're in Toronto, or know someone who is, go see the show!!!

With Stewart still being sick and moping about the house, I was determined to still be productive. I'm happy to have all of this time off before the baby gets here, but I still have a million tiny details that I want to finish while I still have the time. One not-so-tiny detail was filling out the forms for the "Centralized Waiting List for Licensed Child Care Services". People had warned me about this from the moment I got pregnant. If you think you might required child care, you're best to submit this form the moment you get pregnant (some do it before!) because the wait time to get a spot in Ottawa is at least 1 year! Plus, there are so many options to consider:
- Francophone, Anglophone or Bilingual
- Home day care or in a day care centre
- Full-time care, part-time care or flexible care
- Choosing a place in your ward, or in the ward where you work, or in a ward near where you would commute to go to work
- Some places are subsidized... some aren't
- Some places will accept children starting at 6 months of age, 12 months, 18 months, 2.5 years, 4 years, etc.
And that's not even looking at the individual day care's philosophies, facilities, mandates, menus, activities, child to caregiver ratio... and the list goes on. I'm supposed to make all of these decisions for my child and she's not even born yet! I can't even figure out what to make myself for dinner... and that's on a good day. Oh, and when you fill the form, you have to put each facility in order of preference, but how do you do that? By closest location, by language? "This place offers vegan meal choices, let's put them at the top of our list!" Anyway, I finally emailed the completed forms out yesterday, just over one month before this child is due to arrive and just over seven months later than I had planned. Let's hope I'm more on-the-ball with the rest of the major decisions involving my child.

What I've done the past two days...

- Acquired an unexpected new billet from the UK, via the US.
- Greeted an expected billet from Vancouver, via Montreal.
- Watched a woman use her breasts in a way that didn't seem to make men comfortable.
- Got hugely entertained by an Asian homosexual and his piano partner.
- Spend two hours in a single venue going on two lovely journeys.
- Fell in love again with a clown.
- Went to bed way too late.
- Ate way too little.
- Spent time with my amazing parents.
- Finished my last theatre gig before my parental contract.
... and now, presently, I am at the computer on the main floor waking up from a 2 hour nap while clown-billet, UK-billet and Vancouver-billet are doing yoga and Tai chi in the living room.

Life is good.

Personal Pity Party

I feel fat.

The middle of my back really hurts when I stand for too long or when I sit for too long. (Too long = approx. 20 minutes)

I can't turn over in bed without groaning in pain... and some days I also do that when I simply walk.

I waddle, no matter how hard I try not to.

I often feel breathless... and half that time, I'm sitting down.

I bump into things constantly and no longer have any depth perception. (Watch out for me on the roads people!)

My love of lists has turned into an anxiety-filled obsession.

I can't carry anything heavier than my purse without full body aches.

I feel like I'm literally falling apart at the seams.

It takes me twice or sometimes three times as long to accomplish anything.

I greatly anticipate the arrival of this child and yet hate her just a little bit when she gets a limb caught in my ribs.

I'm grateful for the healthy steady weight gain, but hate stuffing myself into trousers.

I adore my husband for being so incredibly supportive and for giving me consistent compliments... but why the hell can't he put away the laptop when I ask him the first time?

I want to carry on with my busy lifestyle, but my naptime interferes too much.

I wake up at least 8 times through the night... once to stumble to the bathroom, twice to order my husband to move over, and the other five times to enjoy the variety of sleeping positions available to me. (On my left side, in the fetal position, with joint and pelvic pain OR on my right side, in the fetal position, with joint and pelvic pain... decisions decisions.)

I can't wait to be a mom and yet feel a tiny bit of regret at the thought of losing alone and couple time.

I fully embrace all of the mixed emotions I'm having and, at the same time, feel incredibly guilty about them!

And all of this with at least 65 days left to go... and then I might get to experience postpartum depression. yay.

What's Right For Me

I can't believe it's been two weeks since I blogged last. It's incredible how busy you get when you don't have any huge work commitments. Since coming back from Toronto I've seen Scorched, La La La Human Steps, performed a mock-burlesque dance, babysat Charlotte, worked on an exciting script, went to the Doctor (all's normal), went to the Dentist (all's normal), avoided exercising, stained some shelves and brackets, put together some Ikea furniture, scared myself silly over registration forms, sold a load of program ads for a fantastic festival, tidied up my office, networked two computers, washed my car, had dinner with some friends and watched way too much Babylon 5.

I've also started reading this great book called "The Birth That's Right For You". With the labour and delivery being potentially only 100 days away, I'm starting to think about preparing myself for it. Stewart and I aren't keen on the idea of prenatal classes... brings up images of cheesy-grinned couples wearing white sitting cross-legged in a circle and sharing their feelings about birth while intermittently making "hee hee ho ho" sounds... not really our idea of a good, or productive, time. This book I'm reading is right up my alley. Co-written by a doctor and a doula it strives to present moms-to-be and their spouses/partners with the options and not the solutions. It reminds you that birth is a natural experience and that, as a human being who has already dealt with pain/stress/anxiety before, you are already equipped with the coping mechanisms necessary to deal with childbirth. Childbirth "preparation" classes are only helpful if the coping tools you're learning are already linked to your natural defenses. For example, if you had (or still have) fears of drowning, then a water birth may not be right for you... even if your sister's water birth experience was the most nirvana-like experience of her life. Or, if you normally like to lock yourself in a dark quiet room and lie still in bed when you're in pain or anxious, then chances are you won't be the type to find relief bouncing on a birth ball or walking the halls of the hospital. I know, these all sound like "well, d'uh!" ideas to me too, but they make good sense to a woman struggling to find sense in this upcoming huge life-changing event. So many women have unrealistic expectations of what they want the birth to be and how they'll best cope with it... this book is prepping me to be aware of who I am and what I desire without being trapped by unrealistic expectations or even being limited by changes in the "plan".

I've been reading this book like I would a textbook... I may have graduated but you can't take the academics out of the girl. Every time I hit a section that requires more thought, that requires me to truly put my fears and ideas into question, I write the page number in my baby book. So far I haven't even gone back to those sections to give them the necessary thought, but I'm already feeling better about the whole thing. I don't yet know what birth is right for me, but I do know that it can't be any worse than dislocating my knees... right?... and I've done that a ton of times so I can deal with this... right? Positive reinforcement, anyone?

So, shall we run a pool? How many hours into labour will Natalie demand medication?

Popped?

Many people at rehearsal tonight were telling me that I had popped. They saw me just yesterday, but for some reason they were convinced that I had drastically changed in one day. I couldn't see any difference. Well, when Stewart joined in the group asserting this "blossoming", I had to believe it. But I had to take a photo to confirm the rumour...

I can't believe other people noticed it before I did... I've got a belly!

Does my ass look fat in these pants? ;-)

Finally some time off and what do I get?

Multiple rainy days in a row and massive headaches!!!!

Brilliant.

Cloud 9 is officially over and done with. My only commitment at Algonquin for the rest of the semester is doing a bit of monologue coaching, which should end next week. I've finally embarked on my four month semi-break before motherhood kicks in. The only paid work I've got is stage managing for the Magnetic North Director's Masterclass, directing The Churchill Protocol for a cross-Canada Fringe tour, performing every once and a while for Eddie May and selling program ads for the Ottawa Fringe. So other than having a three week span in June that'll be a little nuts, I've got next to nothing on the agenda which leaves me plenty of time to worry about my financial situation, freak out about the incomplete nursery and panic about parenthood. Oh, and maybe I'll have time to read a book or two as well!

The nursery is actually taking shape quite nicely. Stewart and I bought a crib and a chest of drawers (thanks to Mum and Dad Matthews) and we finally took the time to register for baby stuff. (At Toys R Us and Sears, if any of you are curious to see cute baby things... and some odd things too.) Yesterday, Stewart and I tried to shop at the Home Depot for nursery related things, and all we came back with was a hungry tummy and 50$ worth of pine boards and brackets that Stewart still needs to cut, sand, stain and install. Makes me kinda wish we would have just bought the 80$ shelving unit at Ikea instead.

We're planning on seeing quite a few shows in the next couple of months (in part, thanks to Mom and Dad Quesnel for their gift of some awesome NAC flex passes), but now that I'll be taking a bit of a break from working the theatre scene, I feel even more hesitant to post any of my opinions or criticism. So I'll probably just do more yakking about my growing belly, swelling ankles and delivery concerns.

I'm really sorry if I'm boring some of you with all this baby talk... sometimes I annoy myself with it!

Oscars Schmoscars!

Is it weird of me to not give a flying leap about the overly-glitzy, way-too-long, not-that-entertaining awards show? I mean, sure, I watched 10 minutes of it to help put me to sleep at 11:30... and also out of curiosity to see if Ryan Gosling won for best actor... but not because I saw the movie and admired his performance... but simply out of semi-hometown pride, wondering if someone I'd once met when I was 10 years old won an Oscar and would mention good-old-Cornwall in his speech... yeah right!

Instead I went to Walmart with my hubby, made macaroni and cheese for dinner and watched 6 episodes of Angel on DVD while using acrylic paint and ribbons to decorate foam core boards for our baby's room. I had a major hormonal moment when Stewart wouldn't jump to his feet and make me a grilled cheese sandwich when I asked him. I spontaneously started sobbing in front of the toaster oven five minutes later. He had to, calmly, put me back on the couch with my glass of water and cheesy toast in hand and I, with blood sugar levels returning to normal, finally relaxed again a few minutes later. He didn't get angry with me once, good boy. I believe I even mentionned something ridiculous to the effect of "Well if mommy doesn't eat there won't be a baby will there?" amount the chaos.

I haven't been feeling well at all these past few days. I missed out on seeing two shows that I was looking forward to. Instead, I've been spending all my time doing small chores around the house and then recuperating from the huge loss of energy that occurs after doing said chores. I kinda feel like I'm getting a cold, but the symptoms never come.... so all I'm left with is a constant urge to lie in bed and avoid doing yoga.

Speaking of which, I should probably use my current energy boost to do some of that exercise stuff now. I'm exercising more now that I'm pregnant than when I wasn't. I guess it's supposed to help me deal with the body changes and with the delivery. The problem is I'm just as lazy now that I'm pregnant than when I wasn't!

Is it the hormones?

I've been very annoyed with myself over the past two months. Partially it's because I just haven't felt like myself. Now, clearly, I am going through some physical and emotional changes that are bound to affect me... but I wasn't really aware of how much they were affecting me until quite recently.

For example, my obsession with punctuality was gone completely out of the window since I got pregnant. The morning sickness and overall fatigue make it very difficult for me to get-up-and-go, at any time of the day! This has resulted in me arriving just in time, or late, for some of my Algonquin classes and Betrayal rehearsals. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I'm not usually like this. And the worst part is, I'm aware of it and I still can't seem to do anything about it. I am fortunate though. The majority of people I'm working with are understanding of this and just chalk it up to the hormones and to the fact that I've booked myself anywhere between 40 and 70 hours of work a week in what is considered the most energy draining time of pregnancy. But my head-strong organisational side of me won't accept that as an excuse... therefore I'm annoyed with myself.

Another example, I was in the grocery store yesterday to pick up a few items. This would have normally taken me 30 minutes. I was in the damn store for an hour and a half!!!! First of all, the cart I was using was crap. I was so tired I just didn't have the energy to push the defective heavy metal thing around quickly enough. Secondly, I was having trouble finding specific items that I wanted for a special dinner I was planning on cooking. (This was to be the first "sit at the table" dinner I cooked for Stewart in over two months.) I was so distraught that I all but ignored and felt rude to Micheal Mancini when I ran into him in the canned goods aisle. He, as usual, was all smiles and loveliness. (I hope I didn't come across like too much of a bitch.) Thirdly, this extra time it was taking me at the grocery store pushed me over the hunger/thirst edge and with only a bottle of water in my purse (the granola bar I sadly ate earlier), I was almost crying on the phone to Stewart trying to explain to him that I couldn't find the damn fondue oil and wouldn't be able to cook him dinner ever again.

So you see... very annoyed... with myself.
So is it the hormones?

What a lame excuse huh?

So Stewart can be productive after all!

The nausea STILL remains, however...

Here's a breakdown of the next 3 weeks:

Tuesday the 2nd - 2 meetings
Wednesday the 3rd - 2 meetings
Thursday the 4th - rehearse 6 hours
Friday the 5th - rehearse 7 hours
Saturday the 6th - rehearse 9 hours
Sunday the 7th - rehearse 3 hours (oooh... almost sounds like a day off doesn't it?)

Monday the 8th - rehearse 9 hours (for three different shows!!!)
Tuesday the 9th - rehearse 10 hours
Wednesday the 10th - rehearse 6 hours
Thursday the 11th - rehearse 10 hours
Friday the 12th - rehearse 6 hours
Saturday the 13th - rehearse 9 hours
Sunday the 14th - rehearse 10 hours (oh, no almost-day-off this time!)

Monday the 15th - rehearse 9 hours
Tuesday the 16th - rehearse 9 hours
Wednesday the 17th - rehearse 2 hours, 1 meeting, 1 opening night performance
Thursday the 18th - rehearse 3 hours, 1 afternoon reading, 1 evening performance
Friday the 19th - 1 evening performance (maybe I can sleep in that day!)
Saturday the 20th - rehearse 6 hours, 1 evening performance
Sunday the 21st - rehearse 6 hours

... and it goes on like that for yet another week before I finally get my first day off in 26 days on Sunday January 28th. Now, normally, I live for the adrenaline rush of doing multiple projects. But, at this time in my life, I live for my afternoon naps and for days when the nausea can be controlled with small amounts of food and total lack of movement. These next few weeks could be both hellish and glorious.

I hope my husband spontaneously starts to enjoy doing the laundry and the dishes.

The nausea still remain, however...

...here's a breakdown of the past two days:

MONDAY
10:30am - coffee with the fantabulous Peter Ryan
Noon - meeting at Algonquin to discuss end of semester marks
1pm - first lighting design meeting at Algonquin with David Magladry
4pm - fist prenatal appointment (all's normal, so far!)
7pm - dinner with my parents and brother-in-law

TUESDAY
10am - technical requirements meeting with Trillium for John
2pm - second set design meeting for Betrayal with Darryl Bennett
6pm - first read-through for John with the lovely Matt Miwa and Stefanie Kym-Tougas

I'm sick as a dog, but I'm living the dream and still loving it.

And the whining begins

It's cold season and I'm well versed in the all-winter-long cold. After quite a few winters in a few with very few days of relief, my doctor told me that I should take allergy medication during this lovely season. I was probably allergic to mold, dust, or something else that seeps through the heating system, but I preferred to say I was allergic to winter.

Well, now that I 'm pregnant, all the fun drugs I used to take are off-limits. I've had to perform shows with a cold before, but it was through constant use of nasal sprays, medicated throat drops and Buckley's. Now, I have to satisfy myself with saline spray (which just makes your sinuses wet, not de-congested), hard candies (which just makes my throat wet, not sans-phlegm) and water/juice.

So, needless to say I'm a little worried about my four show week this week. Performing in conditions where the audience is (relatively) quiet and attentive is one thing. Performing in conditions where there's Christmas music blasting, 120 people are seated in a room that would more comfortably fit 90, and I have to talk over the music or over the loud (sometimes drunken) people is another.

Did I mention I'm nauseous all the time too?

These are fun times.

Tis the season for making!

I know it's been a while since I've posted... let's just say I've had a lot on my mind.

Firstly, the house warming party was a complete success. We had three waves of people, from around 1pm to 1am. My Martha Stewart-esque behaviour was noted and the only food I had left was any of the pre-packaged stuff. Everything I made myself was devoured. Stewart and I barely ate anything ourselves. It was a great day. Thanks so much to all of you who came. And to all of you who didn't come or who I forgot to invite because I'm an idiot, feel free to give us a call or email anytime and come for a visit.

Secondly, I taught my last class of the semester at Algonquin yesterday. Next week is the student's final presentation, which is an opportunity for them to present their work in front of an audience that's probably not as critical as me! It's been great seeing the students' progression from one week to the next. It has renewed my faith in my ability to teach. I'm not saying I'm making Tony winners here, but I can see a difference in each and every student. I'm really proud of them.

Thirdly, December is my relatively calm month before the January/March storm! Some of my projects I was open about, but some weren't really public knowledge until recently. I have the pleasure of being the director on four different projects in the span of three months. I'll be working on Wajdi Mouawad's John for the Théâtre du Trillium directing lab. I'm helping Théâtre la Catapulte with a reading of a new play for Contact Ontarois. I'll be directing Caryl Churchill's Cloud Nine with a group of lovely Algonquin College students. And, perhaps the scariest of all, I'll be directing Pinter's Betrayal for Third Wall Theatre Co. (James Richardson was originally going to direct it but now has other interests within the project... it's a long story that I'm sure he'll share with you if you ask nicely.) So, wacky times for me. But exciting times.


And the trees are up in my house now... the bigger one is 7.5 feet tall. Needless to say I used a step ladder for most of the process. The smaller one is a tree that I inherited from my Grandfather. It's a little sad looking, but nothing an Ikea candle and hanging light nearby can't fix.

Oh, and last but not least, here's double proof of the other "thing" that I made recently. But none of us will get to see the finished product for nine months or so. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that nothing goes wrong.